Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
I woke up under the kitchen table. Andy is cursing out Joe Exotic's name in between heaves in the bathroom. Jay is trying to sleep w/ a shirt tied over his eyes. Lena and Brad braved the sun to go get bloody mary supplies and food. I'd say the Tiger King drinking game was a success.
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