mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Randomize
