it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
Randomize
