Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
