Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
dude. I can hear the air.
Randomize
