Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
I think pants incapable of making pants work
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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