I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
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