I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
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