the bus pole looks like a man who feels guiltyty about something
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
what did gay clubs do before lady gaga
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
Randomize
