Yea and his cousin visited from central and i fucked her i was texting him at work teasin him about it but sent it to his mom by accident
They should really pass out barf bags in church
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
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