My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
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