I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
How do the freshmen here NOT understand the tricks we are playing on them by now? Doesn't bode well for grad numbers. Idiots.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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