I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
Randomize
