He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
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