I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
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