You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
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