she is unbelievable! ever pee on a girl?
not while she was awake
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
Randomize
