This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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