he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
