I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
The Olympian is in my bed
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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