I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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