I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Randomize
