true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
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