apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
Randomize
