turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
Randomize
