I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
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