i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
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