there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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