you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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