can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living
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This is sufficient.
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Randomize
