3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
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