maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
