I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
Randomize
