Yah man, that place is surreal
Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal?
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
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