my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
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