dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Randomize
