oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
