Is it weird that I have contacts who i've classified as DO NOT ANSWER?
Lol no its called college
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
Randomize
