i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
Randomize
