just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
