You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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