I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize
