I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
