Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
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