ARI BLEW A 2.0 HAHAHAHAHAHHAHH THESE COPS ARE SO COOL!!!!
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Randomize
