Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Randomize
