I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
I think im going to throw up on grandma
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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