i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Randomize