and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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