Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
Randomize
