Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
