dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
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