just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
Randomize
