Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Randomize
