Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
I know it's anime porn but I promise you the guy looks like Fred Durst
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
Randomize
