she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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