new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
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