I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
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