It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
