my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
