Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
Randomize